Time Out

Ok, I'm ready to face something that I have been ignoring....maybe I'm NOT supposed to be a doctor.  Maybe that's something I've considered deep down but haven't given it the time to play out what that means in my head.  I'm still very passionate about healthcare and serving others, but I don't have to be a physician to do that.  I kept telling myself, "but Matthew, you definitely felt the CALL!"  But when I more closely examine said call, it doesn't necessarily lead to being a doctor.  

I felt "called" while I was in Mississippi my first time doing disaster relief after Hurricane Katrina.  While cleaning on site, I stepped on a nail, so to forego being infected by Tetanus, I went to a local, makeshift clinic downtown.  The doctor checked out my foot, said I was ok, and sent me to another room to get the wound cleaned by a nurse.  That's when I had my moment--I was so overwhelmed by the scene before me:  These healthcare workers were giving up their time to volunteer in this free clinic (which had formerely been a train depot) to help any and everyone who had need.  I knew without a doubt that was what I wanted to do.

But when I seriously look at my own qualities and skills, I'm not sure if I'm really cut out to be a doctor.  Obviously, it takes a high degree of intelligence and critical thinking skills to be a good doctor.  Being only compassionate and moderately smart won't cut it.  So, when I'm honest with myself, the MCAT gives me a really hard time.  My score isn't competitive enough, and studying for it again is a very daunting task for me.  There comes a point when you have to realize that by rereading and reworking something doesn't mean you will eventually grasp it.  

So...now what?  Am I just doubting myself?  Not trying hard enough?  I just spent money on a really expensive online MCAT prep course, and signed up to retake the MCAT.  Do I continue on and see what happens, even though I'm not sure this is the right direction, or just cut my losses?  

And what are my alternatives?  Like I said, I'm still drawn to healthcare and service.  But since I'm in debt, I can't do something on a strictly volunteer basis.  I could see myself in a variety of different options, such as working for WHO, the UN, or the Peace Corps.  I'm also talented at organization, visonary, and implementation, so I could maybe do behind the scences stuff for others.  Or maybe I could pursue a nursing career?  There's always a need for them, and there's room for growth.  Plus being a nurse would help me in pursuing those other international ventures (WHO, etc).  

Maybe I just need to take a year off and not make any decisions?  I tend to make uninformed decisions and then spent time doubting them (thus, this blog, lol).