Time Out

Ok, I'm ready to face something that I have been ignoring....maybe I'm NOT supposed to be a doctor.  Maybe that's something I've considered deep down but haven't given it the time to play out what that means in my head.  I'm still very passionate about healthcare and serving others, but I don't have to be a physician to do that.  I kept telling myself, "but Matthew, you definitely felt the CALL!"  But when I more closely examine said call, it doesn't necessarily lead to being a doctor.  

I felt "called" while I was in Mississippi my first time doing disaster relief after Hurricane Katrina.  While cleaning on site, I stepped on a nail, so to forego being infected by Tetanus, I went to a local, makeshift clinic downtown.  The doctor checked out my foot, said I was ok, and sent me to another room to get the wound cleaned by a nurse.  That's when I had my moment--I was so overwhelmed by the scene before me:  These healthcare workers were giving up their time to volunteer in this free clinic (which had formerely been a train depot) to help any and everyone who had need.  I knew without a doubt that was what I wanted to do.

But when I seriously look at my own qualities and skills, I'm not sure if I'm really cut out to be a doctor.  Obviously, it takes a high degree of intelligence and critical thinking skills to be a good doctor.  Being only compassionate and moderately smart won't cut it.  So, when I'm honest with myself, the MCAT gives me a really hard time.  My score isn't competitive enough, and studying for it again is a very daunting task for me.  There comes a point when you have to realize that by rereading and reworking something doesn't mean you will eventually grasp it.  

So...now what?  Am I just doubting myself?  Not trying hard enough?  I just spent money on a really expensive online MCAT prep course, and signed up to retake the MCAT.  Do I continue on and see what happens, even though I'm not sure this is the right direction, or just cut my losses?  

And what are my alternatives?  Like I said, I'm still drawn to healthcare and service.  But since I'm in debt, I can't do something on a strictly volunteer basis.  I could see myself in a variety of different options, such as working for WHO, the UN, or the Peace Corps.  I'm also talented at organization, visonary, and implementation, so I could maybe do behind the scences stuff for others.  Or maybe I could pursue a nursing career?  There's always a need for them, and there's room for growth.  Plus being a nurse would help me in pursuing those other international ventures (WHO, etc).  

Maybe I just need to take a year off and not make any decisions?  I tend to make uninformed decisions and then spent time doubting them (thus, this blog, lol).  

Was it even real?

My time at college was great.  I was slow at opening up, but I eventually become vulnerable and created some incredible friendships.  I studied hard, and became involved in a range of clubs and activities, even took on a few leaderships roles.  I developed some life goals and started pursuing them.  Through it all, I really felt like I knew what I wanted, who I wanted to be, what I wanted to be.  I was focosued, happy, determined, carefree, confident, and......well, a completely different person than I had been prior to college.  When I would visit home on the weekends or breaks, it was kinda strange because I felt like I had changed internally, like I wasn't the same person anymore but my family didn't realize it yet.  

But now, after having graduated a year ago, it seems like the whole process is reversing itself, much to my dismay.  I've applied twice to medical school, without success.  I'm going to try one more time...but maybe it's not what I'm supposed to do?  But why is it that everything I have done up to this point has led me to this?  I really feel like it's my calling in life, so why doesn't it happen?  

In the meantime, I've been working a full time job, but I don't really like it.  I love some of the people I work with, but others not so much.  I barely get more than minimum wage (college degree for what??) and everything I earn goes to bills and gas.  Everything.  And I have very little respect for the manager because he has yet to correct a billing error on my payroll, which he has known about for 6 months now.  I just feel very underappreciated.  How do they expect me to want to stay when the incentive is a .12 cent raise?  Yeah, 12 CENTS.  I just have to keep telling myself, "at least I have a job..."

Plus, since coming back from school it's hard not to feel a bit isolated.  Living on campus, I was surrounded by friends and things to do.  But back home, the friends base comes from high school, and well....you learn that you have very few close high school friends.  And it can be hard to do stuff when people are getting married right and left, working full time jobs, or out of the country :/ (but luckily coming home sooooon!)  

Sorry, just had to get all that out.  On the bright side, hoping 3rd time's the charm, looking at better-paying jobs in my profession, and going on a roadtrip to New England with two best buds in a few weeks :)

This is pure genious...

I Don't Want Health Care If Just Anyone Can Have It

(From the Onion News, http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/i_dont_want_health_care_if_just)

As a concerned citizen, I must voice my adamant disapproval of the "universal health care" proposals we've been hearing so much about. I don't have any gripes with expanding and improving health coverage, per se. It's the "universal" part that irks me. Providing health care for all would completely undermine the whole idea of health care. If every last one of the 40 million uninsured bozos in this country is going to get access to the vast, virtually unnavigable system of medical care we chosen few now enjoy, then I no longer even want it.

When hospital administrators see me flash my Blue Cross card, it means something. It tells the world, "Hey, look at me: I pay increasingly high monthly premiums, submit to annual exams, and claim any health-related expenditures over seven percent of my yearly income on my taxes, and you can't." But when this bill passes, they'll be handing out insurance cards willy-nilly, and nobody will be able to tell the difference between someone who's had health coverage for 20 years and someone whose boss was compelled by law to provide it to all full-time employees.

Then again, maybe they'll offer some sort of special Platinum Plus medical card. But I can't count on that.

Health care is all about exclusivity, pure and simple. It's for a group of like-minded people bonded by the dream of only having to contribute a portion of their weekly wages to ensure unfettered access to a number of licensed health care professionals. If we change all that, health care will be about as elite as a public restroom, open to any yokel who waltzes into an emergency room and can legally establish California residency.

Mark my words, this will completely destroy the allure of filling out all the necessary-but-time-consuming paperwork, choosing one primary care physician attached to one specific plan, and becoming eligible for prescription medications at a reduced rate.

The only reason this is even being considered is because a majority of voters want it. Well, of course they do—they don't have it! But you don't see 33rd Degree Freemasons letting any old average citizen into their inner sanctum just because he's curious. And you won't catch me sharing my God-given right to affordable lifesaving medical procedures with every bum who's got a jones for another hepatitis vaccination. It's undignified.

After all, how do I know I've made it in this world if I'm not able to enjoy something others can't?

Lack of access to health care is the seventh leading cause of death in the country, and that says something. It doesn't get much more elite than being part of a club other people are literally dying to get into. So what incentive would there be if everyone were guaranteed equal health care, regardless of income, age, or employment status? Who would be left to proudly tell their grandchildren about the glory days of PPOs? That is a future I'd rather not imagine, thank you very much.

So why the constant desire to guarantee basic yearly screenings and vital operations for all, thus creating some kind of ridiculous, unrealistic safety net? How will people fully appreciate the excellence of the American health care system without the constant threat of it being yanked away at any moment?

If middle-class children are given government-subsidized medical coverage from the beginning, they won't have anything to look forward to when they get older. Though my offspring will never have to worry about desperately trying to scrape together the money for a hospital visit, it doesn't mean we should do away with the millions of other uninsured Americans who show them how privileged they are to have it in the first place.

That's just a simple matter of respect.

I urge all citizens of good sense to reject any universal health care plan that gets put forward. It's time to stand up for what's right, and protect our most respectable institutions. If we don't do it now, what will they tell us next—that everyone deserves a free public education and "the right" to a fair trial?

Nice quote

"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free. "
Ronald Reagan

Politiques

I hate it how, especially in America, we try to label our beliefs into two different parties:  Republican or Democrat.  And I say beliefs and not political beliefs because we make assumptions often merely on one's beliefs.  For example, if you're a Christian, you're Republican, and if you're not, you're Democrat.

I'm a Christian, but I hate those hard-core, doom's day, scare tactics people use in politics.

I'm pro-life, not because I don't understand a woman's position, but because murder is wrong.

I'm pro gun control because I think it creates more harm than good.

I'm pro-capitalism, and I'm pro-universal health care.

I'm pro-privacy, and I'm pro-protection, but not always at the expense of privacy.

I'm pro-free speech, and pro-tolerance, but not at the expense of free speech.

I'm pro-government assisitance for the needy (i.e. Medicaid), but only for the truly needy.

And I hate it when people make surface judgements.  "You're a Christian?  So you voted for McCain, right?"  "What, you voted for O'Bama?  I thought you were a Christian!  You know he's pro-choice, right?"

This is who I am, this is what I believe.  This is ME.  

So what am I?  Democrat?  Republican?  Both?  In between?  Neither?  

My anwser?  I'm just a citizen, doing his duty for the well-being of his beloved country, voting not based on party lines, tradition, or pressure, but only on my deep-rooted convictions in a way to promote a democratic society.

"Old People" 2: Black people are stupid?

Yeah, I didn't know that either.  Today while working at the pharmacy, an old guy comes up wanting to get something refilled.  I inform him that he doesn't have any refills, and that we'll have to fax the physician to get it authorized.  He said that he already told them he needed a refill, but he wasn't sure if it got through because the girl who usually worked was on vacation.  Instead, there was "a black girl, so that's probably why it hasn't been done.  Do you think that has something to do with it?" he asks me.  "(pause out of disbelief).....NO, I don't think that has anything at all to do with it..."

It's people like this that give credence to racism.